Unexpected

I got an email from Mr. Ramos today. He forwarded the memo from the Philippine Olympic Committee (POC) listing all participants for the International Olympic Committee-Olympic Solidarity Advanced Sports Management Course. To say it was a surprise is an understatement. The course was supposed to start last April 18 and since I did not receive any feedback before that, I assumed I was not picked.

Apart from myself who will be representing the Amateur Rowing Association of the Philippines (ARAP), other national sports associations who have representatives are Archery, Basketball, Bodybuilding, Board Sailing, Canoe-Kayak, Chess, Dance Sport, Dragon Boat, Football, Karatedo, Lawn Bowls, Muay Thai, Pencak Silat, Sailing, Sepak Takraw, Soft Tennis, Swimming, Triathlon and three from POC.

This is an unexpected but extremely pleasant news. It does complicate my situation more as the course is for sixteen Saturdays and I have just recently made the decision to go for that major leap, which might bring me back home in two or three months.

I guess it would be pointless to worry over that at this point. I might as well learn everything I could in the time fate gives me to be part of this. I am grateful in the opportunity alone. The rest would just be icing on the cake. Thank you universe!

I thrive on stupid

Been there, done that...seriously. It has its phases and seasons though. It's like a stream of (un)conciousness. There's that inexplicable and unfathomable attraction to the edge. Perspective is a beautiful thing, what could be wise can be stupid, what makes sense can just be plain b.s. Regardless, these opposities, these polarities, all these logically illogical things are pulsating with energies.

I feel so alive. Thank God! Thank you universe!

(Image found on the Internet.)

Endings and Beginnings

According to Mike Murdock's Book, "The Law of Recognition" everything you need is already in your life merely awaiting your recognition of it. Anything unrecognized remains uncelebrated by you. Anything you refuse to celebrate eventually exits in your life. A Gift, A Miracle, or a Person.

This beautiful message came to me via SMS that I believe got passed around so many times already. I kept it in my inbox for as long as I can remember. This resonates to me once again, especially at this time, that another person has flown out of the coop so to speak.

I understand that sometimes we allow people to just slip quietly so as not to disturb the balance. We do it because we're careful not to rock what's long been an unsteady boat. We are sometimes afraid to let even just a shadow of darkness to fall on what we painstakingly paint as a pretty picture, full of light and colors. We do all these at the expense of so many things.

I am a shallow person who still believes in celebrating the smallest and most ordinary things that reflect our humanity. I think of it as little reminders that we live. I find it sad though that sometimes just because we get used to people leaving that we become immune to it. It comes to a point where we don't care anymore. And when they leave, we let them just disappear and forget them.

Someone chose to quietly slip away. I understand why the person chose to do that. Sometimes it takes courage to make a stand, regardless of the risks that taking a stand would entail.

Happy Earth Day!

This morning's Wiki Wednesday Earth Day celebration was a blast! I'm so happy to see a lot of my colleagues gathered in the same room with me to listen to WWF-Philippines' Ms. Susan Roxas raise awareness in advocating environment sustainability.

I've been looking forward to this event since we began planning for it two months back. It's one of the most fulfilling things I've done at work and it's a very uplifting experience to see people who share the same passion and commitment make time for this event despite their busy schedules.

I think that today's celebration just highlights the fact that there's a multitude of silent but committed people out there that's creating a groundswell that disproves that selfishness and greed will win this war.

Clarity

I'm going back to wearing contacts. That was the random thought that popped in my head while I was reading a book in Starbucks earlier. And unlike most of my thoughts, which end up just swirling restlessly or quietly between my ears, this actually was translated into concrete action. After what seems to me was just a short (and token) debate in my head of the merits of doing so, I went and bought myself everything I need to follow through with the plan.

There was something else I discovered because of it. Both my eyes' grades are higher than the results from that last time they were checked. It was a bit staggering for me because I didn't expect it to be THAT higher. And, this came as another surprise, my right eye that used to be clearer, is now of the same grade as my left eye.

I could only think of one word since the doctor made me walk around wearing the correct lenses. Clarity. There's something about it that brings a different kind of high. I'm glad my eyes are now well-equipped to seeing things more clearly. I think the rest would follow. In time.

Small Things

There are many things I'm looking forward to this coming week. But perhaps the three things I'm excited about are the following (in no particular order):

• Tuesday Futsal game. Futsal is now one of the sports that would be supported by the company. Connecting the dots to 14 months back I wouldn't have believed it if I was told that I'd still be in it or that I would actually be one of the core group that would patiently sustain and lobby for it. It's amazing how things turn out. We were just talking about possibilities before and now our passion and commitment to it actually paid off.



• Wiki Wednesday celebrates Earth Day. This would be the first time that I'm celebrating it with colleagues. I'm quite excited about this because I'll be in the company of another group of people who are no less committed to taking that one small step that together would amount to a giant stride towards a collective hope and desire to be more responsible citizens of this planet. This brings to mind other Earth Day celebrations. The excitement and chatters in the early hours of the morning in the banks of Pasig River waiting for the activities to begin. I remember my team, people I know, people I just met, people I would never be introduced to but were with me at that moment communing in celebration of something bigger than ourselves. I've committed myself to these things before and losing the opportunity to be a part of activities like that saddened me. Somehow I've always believed in action, most especially collective action. Maybe this is why I'm excited by any signs of movement for a common cause. I'm happy that for the first time since I've been here, I finally am part of something that breathes more life to me. I'm happy to be part of this and I believe that I may not be able to see how this would grow but I'm confident that it will.



• TOSH with Leony. Or at least, I hope it would finally push through. Leony will be in Manila this week and we'll hopefully have that lunch out at TOSH as we've planned to do the last time she was here. The sudden cancellation of that previous plan was because of truly sad circumstances for Leony's family. I hope that when we do meet again this time, we could talk more about that and of our plans in the coming months.

I'm finding joy in small things right now. Like they say, indeed, everyday is the day.

Time and the Stories of Our Lives

Today marks my second year in my current job. It makes me think about time and how every moment spent in every pit stop is all about the continuous - sometimes silent, sometimes turbulent, sometimes just a steady drifting - weaving of stories for all the chapters of our lives.

Right now, I'm thinking about connecting the dots as how Steve Job's said it in his beautiful and inspiring commencement address in 2005:

"...you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." - Steve Jobs

So how does connecting the dots work with staying in the present? It's been said that it's futile to look back and wasteful to jump ahead because we're needed in the present. The here and now is the time we're supposed to spend all our energies on.

I believe that connecting the dots is not going against staying in the here and now. Perhaps, at certain points in our lives we could take the time to connect the dots to see what kind of stories we've woven. Connecting the dots is like reading those chapters we've created and an opportunity to understand if we're near to telling the stories of our lives the way we want it written, before we fade away.

Each of us has a story to tell the world. Time and time again we're given a chance to ponder the stories and listen to our hearts if we're doing ourselves justice by paying attention to our personal stories.

We could be anyone in this one big universe. We could be like a meteor streaking in one brilliant but brief haze or we could be a slow quiet fire that burns unfailingly. Regardless of the role, we each have stories waiting to be written. All it takes is an effort to appreciate the dots that helped create our stories.

I don't think we just fade away quietly. Every story is written to touch someone. And if that happens, I think that's when we could truly say we have lived.

You Always Learn When You Run

I bought Haruki Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running last Sunday. I didn't hesitate to buy it even if I'm not very familiar with his works. Somehow, I was drawn to both the title and the image of the author running printed on the book's cover.

I was curious to know what this writer/runner would say about running. I've been toying about the idea of putting into words my own experience with it but I still haven't reached that point where I'm confident enough to do it. There's just so many intense emotions and thoughts involved.

Haruki Murakami captured the essence and poignantly translated into words something that a lot of people can either understand or imagine. It was like being there myself. It was like a shared reality. The actors, scenes, and conditions are different but there was one common ground. A passion and commitment to something that no amount of pain or suffering can stop.

There was something that he said that made me think about a lot of things. He said, "It's not much fun to be misunderstood or criticized. But rather a painful experience that hurts people deeply." It is a reality that no amount of idealism or hope can erase. I think there's always a purpose to that. In running, people don't do it because it's all fun. The longer the distance, the more painful it gets.And yet, despite all that, more and more people are drawn to it. I think it's because once you get to experience being truly alone in that moment where you vividly see and feel everything, you begin to understand more of yourself.

Work with Ice Cream

I spent most of the day at the office. I really didn't need to be there but I figured I could use some of my idle time working on those items that are neither urgent nor important but have a knack of accumulating.Another reason I opted to go to work was because I learned my lesson from last week's long weekend.

Having no internet connection at home,I ended up spending a substantial amount of money in different coffee shops and in a mall just to get some work done.Wi-fi is such a strange commodity.Free or not,someone often ends up paying for something to access it.

Feeling much wiser now,I figured it's best to get work done where it's supposed to be done - in the office.Precisely why it's called a workplace, it's where all the work is supposed to get done unless you're a traveling salesman, a doctor, or whatever.In my case,it's pointless attempting to work elsewhere unless I get paid to do it.

It turned out I had fun working on stuff-that-were-neither-urgent-nor-important-but-needed-to-be-done.I think it helped that there was no pressure (didn't plan to file for OT) to focus my attention on "bigger" things.I had all the time in the world to pay attention to the small things.There's freedom in doing something that you don't get paid to do.

I also had an opportunity to have a very fun and relaxing lunch with Badette, Ailene, Maiko, and Tom. Badette somehow convinced Tom to buy as ice cream, which we later enjoyed eating with Cheetos at the pantry.

Something I discovered today: Selecta's Hazelnut Brownie ice cream is heavenly.

Because The Roads Are Always Open

Yesterday was like stumbling into that proverbial fork in the road again. It's been the same fork that I seem to have avoided by merely turning back and retracing beaten paths. It's the tired old game of making myself believe that traversing the same paths is giving me much more than I would find in some unexplored roads.

Ignoring the fork brought me nothing but a gradual but steady descent into significant loss of confidence.I'm now just a shell of that person that believed in herself.I've morphed into a sum of all uncertainties I've collected in those hallowed halls.

This is not about blame. This is about being here confronted by the fork again. This is me recovering all the broken pieces of myself and affirming my value and purpose in life. This is me choosing not to retrace my steps and instead trust in whatever it is that will soon unfold.

So This Is How It Ends

It's a mix of raw emotions. But relief is taking center stage. I've made several attempts before and I failed in following through by choice. There were always excuses. I've subjugated my soul in exchange for what? I don't know, really. I don't.

It's true what's been said about choosing your battles.I need to choose mine wisely.I'm a warrior by heart. I've proven that countless times.I think two years of this is enough. I can't change things, but I can change my circumstances.

For the first time in a very long time I can now say that I feel more like myself.

I would rather be ashes than dust!

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." - Jack London

Time.com Quotes of the Day

Slow Fire

calm unlike the edge that lightning and thunder brings
slow unlike a rushing train
quiet unlike the noise of a thousand marching bands
steady and strong like you could only be.

• Location:Gloria Jeans, Robinsons Place
• Mood: hopeful
• Music:Time After Time

Hitting the High Notes

It's my sister's birthday today. Yesterday it was my mother's. It's a long weekend and only two working days sandwiched before observance of Holy Week. I should probably be home right now. I could probably have joined the throng of people heading off to the beach or some equally exotic or interesting places. I could always be anywhere doing anything. But I'm here staying put. And somehow enjoying every minute of it.

Home is probably the most enticing destination at this time. I've dabbled with the idea of a last-minute trip down south and look forward to a relaxing break. But Q1 hasn't really been nice and finances are stretched far more thinly than I anticipated. The reason is not something I wish to dwell upon. At the end of the day, it was for family and it was a time of reuniting with kins despite the trying circumstances. I'm still feeling the after effects of that unexpected storm that battered the family.But the sun was quick to shine it's happy face again to us. My lolo went on to a better place but somehow it brings comfort to us all to think that we've had that brief yet precious time to say goodbye.

I'm settling to a new sense of calm. It's the quiet solitude brought by acceptance of the cards that fate has dealt me with. I think I'm getting used to things going off track, of somehow learning to accept that some people just fail to see beyond the obvious, of accepting and dealing with labels and boxes, of trying to stay in the shadows and blend in to keep a false sense of peace and quiet. I find it curious that as more and more challenges came, I found myself more ready and eager to face them. I'm scared but I feel equally sure that I can meet them head-on.

I just suddenly realized that I haven't done my annual spring cleaning yet. For someone who lives in The Tropics everything I believe and know about Spring sprung from a hyperactive imagination fueled by my love of reading. But not having experienced spring didn't stop me from embracing the idea. I've been an avid spring cleaner for years now. I love the idea of unloading stuff, of endings and beginnings. I think it's that time of the year again.

And in that note, I'm officially closing the first quarter of 2009 with gratitude. I'm ready for the next round. I know in my heart, whatever's coming, it'll be exciting.

Appreciating and Embracing Random Things

I was told last week that Fr. Thomas H. Green, S.J. passed away last March 13. My friend who invited me to Fr. Green's seminar last February mentioned it as we were updating each other.

I felt sad hearing the news. Fr. Green has made such an impact on me. I think he's one of those people who come in at specific moments in our lives. He came into mine at probably in one of those darkest times, where hope is a dying ember and faith is being crushed from all sides.

That day, I immediately made plans to attend more of Fr. Green's seminars. But I didn't realize that it would be the first and last time I'd see him. That experience taught me that however briefly, there will be people who would be walking in at different phases of our lives. They are people who'd come to teach us something.

I think opening up to different experiences and embracing every minute of the unknown give us a chance to have someone touch our lives that would make us grow in different ways. They could leave behind understanding, wisdom, humility, courage, faith, love or whatever it is they would leave us with. The thing that matters most in the end is that we've been touched by them.