Thursday, December 27, 2007
I can’t help but think that I’ve slowly learned to “unfeel” the sadness of leaving (which I often associate with airports, go figure). Not that going home makes me feel sad. On the contrary, it was something I was really looking forward to. But then again, I also knew that I wouldn’t be staying home long. And I didn’t wish to dwell on what that would make me feel.
Interesting how innocuous things (like stepping off cabs, walking through airport security, etc.) that often go unnoticed, reveal a lot of stuff. It makes me think that in between the constant shifting of chaos and stillness inside and out is a treasure-trove of details that can be fun to uncover.
Monday, December 24, 2007
It's kind of weird accepting that I'm happy. Yes, that would be little Ms. Melancholic me being happy despite habitual efforts to dig through the mayhem between my ears. I've stowed enough loot to satisfy my constant wondering, seeking, pondering on the minutest things that are guaranteed to catapult me to the land of sadness. I imagine all the stuff inside, the tons of baggages preserved like relics encased in cold hard glasses. There's just so many things in there.
I'm a collector. Good or bad, I just collect everything. There's a load of stuff of every possible shapes and and sizes, inconvenient things that mold truths and half-truths, the intrusive facets of experiences gained, and so the epic goes on. Still, I can't seem to stop. The great and the mundane never lose their charm. And so I yield, I harvest, I store, and I wait for whatever it is that I'm waiting for.
For now, I'm just happy. Happy that I'm still standing despite a decade's worth of love lost, of finding and losing twice that someone who made me feel alive again after dying ten years' worth of deaths, of letting go of the familiar things that made me feel safe, of finding a new path to explore, and of finally accepting that I'm whole.
Everything is just absolutely great and beautiful because I've finally realized, I'm now much bigger than my previous self. I think my collection has quietly expanded me to make way for more stuff. And for that, I now have more room for all the things that life wishes me to have.
My dozen wishes for you:
- Sunrise after the darkest of nights.
- Friends who bring out the best in you.
- A love that makes you smile.
- Belief that anything is possible.
- Courage to finally do what you've been putting off.
- Time for yourself.
- Promises that are not broken.
- An answered prayer
- A heart that forgives
- A Christmas feeling all year round
- A soul that heals, and
- A good life and healthy body...
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Apart from the creative appeal of the card, the real gift is the tree that will be planted in my name at the Caliraya watershed. Once planted, the giver(s) will also be responsible for supporting for its care and protection by the local community through Haribon Foundation.
Imagine that, people using their time, effort, and resources to give a truly special gift for others this Christmas. Now, that's what I call thoughtful giving. Many thanks to the giver(s) and many Merry Christmas trees to all!
The greatest stuff just keep coming in. I can't believe I'm getting all these things that are so full of meaning for me:
- a friendship voodoo doll (the underdog) + the quirky vouchers from Miray
- a Teddy (Mr. Bean's best friend) phone strap from Mark (because I've always been Teddy to his Mr. Bean :-)
- a canvas tote bag from Myla (interesting note: it says on the tag that 10% of the amount paid to purchase the bag will be donated to Greenpeace)
- the book Alexandria Link from Arlady (because I just miss reading so bad)
Thank you all!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
There is really nothing much to do in the middle of a reservoir after each heat except wait for the next one to begin. Everything seems to stand still. It is the kind of stillness that brings a vibrant quality to the breeze that carries with it a sense of peace.
It is exactly during these moments of just sitting and waiting on the catamaran (or rubber boat if the catamaran is not working) that I stare into a vast expanse of water. A backdrop of trees with brown leaves burnt by the sun completes the picture that is being etched in my mind. Then I look up and notice the clear sky. And this is when I realize, again, that this is exactly one of the reasons why this sport makes me feel much closer to nature.
Seven years of active training in dragon boat rowing have given me a treasure trove of memories that include beautiful sunrises. I have rowed in different bodies of water, each one unique and nestled in breathtaking landscapes. Each place has made me yearn to see more.
It more than makes sense, therefore, why the International Olympic Committee has included sports and the environment as one of the pillars of the Olympic Movement. It even revised its mission and role to include the following:
“to encourage and support responsible concern for environmental issues, to promote sustainable development in sport and to require that the Olympic Games are held accordingly…”
Almost all sporting activity I know, if not all, rely heavily on the environment. In the Philippines alone, the Rowing team feels the weight of the sorry state of Pasig River. Around the world, athletes are feeling the effects of climate change, which is perhaps one of the reasons why sports luminaries and organizations are actively campaigning to help raise awareness on environmental issues and promote sustainable development.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Another first for me: We had to change gate twice prior to boarding. And I mean gates separately located in two different wings. I didn't find out why we were bounced back and forth like that. Nobody from the ground staff really gave a clear explanation. Maybe I just didn't care anymore. In my mind, this trip is really showing signs of becoming an adventure and I decided to just wing it and have fun.
The flight arrived at past 1:00am local time. My luggage was the last one out so there was a moment of mild panic when I thought it somehow got its way into another plane or something. Imagine standing alone looking at an empty carousel and all the people have happily left with their baggage already...tsk.
Next first: I had no accreditation (AD) card, no information about transportation and booking arrangements, nothing. Good thing I asked James (my co-umpire) before I left if he knows the details about the arrangements for us. It was comforting to know that we were on the same boat, that the only thing we can count on was the fact that there would be an information center at the Bangkok airport.
Yet another first: Still no AD card at the SEA Games information/accreditation center at the airport. Worse, they can't seem to find my application for accreditation. Argh! The protocol and accreditation people wanted me to go to Korat because maybe my accreditation is there, they said. Say what?!? Korat is like hours away from where I should be. Not that I don't want to go to Korat, Wushu will be played in Korat so I want to go there...but after I finish what I came here for, which means I need to be in Pattaya, not Korat. Buti na lang there were two Pinays there from the PSC who somewhat helped me (assured me actually that there's also a Secretariat in Pattaya and they probably have my AD card).
Again, first: A sleepy driver was roused from his sleep in the van reserved for delegates. He was then told to bring me to Pattaya. I was the only passenger. There were not much cars/vehicles on the highway so he was really stepping on the gas pedal while I sat at the back praying that he doesn't fall asleep. But manong was such a good driver, I got in one piece at Pattaya after 1 hour, 50 minutes of travel. I checked-in at the hotel at 4:30am.
See, more firsts: No AD, no contacts with the Philippine delegation, nothing. I made sure I was up by 8:30 to hunt Nicholas Ee (who is the Asian Rowing Federation Technical Delegate) or the rest of the FISA people. I haven't found them still, but I bumped into Steve Banta and the Philippine rowing team, which was even better. Finally, kababayans! But I can't really spend much time with them since I'm supposed to be neutral here so I guess I won't be hanging out much with them. I hope they do well in the competitions.
Finally, the AD card: Processed in front of me, thanks to the copies of the documents I kept in my email account. Buti na lang kasi, in the SEA games, you don't exist as a player, coach, official, volunteer, etc. unless you have an AD card. Maybe I can sleep now. It's been a long night.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
One of my former teammates told me that it all happened during the first competition day. She told me that the Singapore team was on their way to the docking area already when their boat capsized. She said that even she and the rest of the Philippine team was scared because the boats they were using were very unstable.
This tragedy reminded me of the past. I remember feeling scared days before the competitions. The fear stem mostly from the uncertainties of the racing conditions. I was always particularly concerned everytime I discovered that we would be competing in reservoirs (maybe it all started in Jatiluhur when a teammate told me that the water in the dam where were were competing was 300m deep). Since then, everytime I hear the magic word reservoir, my mind usually went into overdrive thinking how deep the water would be and how safe I would be in the boat. I have often thought that I was probably the only rower who had this huge fear of the water. I mean, not that I do not like being on the water. It was just that, it does get scary out there, which was why I always had to psych up and assure myself that I would be safe.
Retirement quieted those fears. But as the rowing events at the SEA games approaches, the feelings resurfaced. In the past few days, a thousand butterflies seemed to have found their way into my stomach. I realized that even if I am not competing, I still worry about how safe the racing conditions would be.
I am now wearing a different hat. Before, my foremost concern as an athlete was to win. Now, as member of the Jury, I need to make sure that I do my part to ensure that competitions are safe and fair for everyone.
As for my fears, I guess they will always be there. The beauty of struggling with fear is that I always discover the resolve to overcome it. Rowing has taught me a lot in life. It has repeatedly made me confront my fears. I am a rower at heart. I meet my fears head-on...because I can.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Since I was feeling so out-of-the-loop and clueless on what was going on outside the office that has become my world, I immediately began to start reading the news and tried figuring out what the new "crisis" was all about. One of the things that crossed my mind was that the standoff in Makati was like a culmination to a series of events that have been happening for a week. Notably, there were those typhoons that battered certain areas of Luzon and an earthquake that rekindled the traumas of those who vividly remember the July 16, 1990 disaster. These events, the standoff included, was stretching the Filipinos' resilience once again.
To keep abreast of what was happening after LtSG. Antonio Trillanes IV and Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim walked out from their court hearing on a separate rebellion charges , I made sure I was home in time to watch the late night news. I was struck by how passionate these soldiers are, particularly LtSG. Trillanes. He was more vocal than Gen. Lim. But somehow, it was Gen. Lim who made quite an impression to me. The guy exudes integrity and quiet pride. I feel the Magdalo, that is my funny take on this entire thing after watching all those news coverage. Amidst the noises and platititudes that politicians and government people make, I hear the sincerity and urgency behind the voices of these soldiers.
While I fully believe in the need for change and consider their grievances as valid, I cannot bring myself to support actions that would only undermine this country's endless efforts to stand up and move forward. However, despite my misgivings to their means, I was moved by the passion in which these soldiers fight for their cause. Their voices resonate and manage to penetrate this growing apathy that has been creeping up on me.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Office rat stats:
Average number of hours per day spent using the computer: 14 hours
Mobile phone usage: 24 hours on standby; 1 hour actual usage (if I'm lucky)
Time spent @ home: 6 hours, or just about enough time needed to sleep
I recently had a brief sojourn under the grid. It was totally unplanned, just one of those things that happen when there is no spare time to properly organize a trip. For someone who is close to obsessive with lists and a great believer of planning, packing barely five hours before leaving for the airport is a significant deviation from the norm.
I was too caught up with work that I managed to cram my preparations for the trip in just a few hours. Consequently, I found myself with no roaming access. It was by choice though, I think, because up to the last minute (between those moments that I can actually think of something else other than work) I was having an internal debate on the "need" to pay the X amount required to have it activated.
As soon as I finished packing, the first thought that popped in my mind was... "Tsk, this would be the first time I am going on a trip with my mobile phone practically useless". Second thought..."I better make sure I access my office email to check the things that I need to work on".
As it turned out, the trip unfolded in ways both unexpected and surprisingly refreshing. It turned out to be an opportunity to revisit life under the grid. I had a week to touch base with my true non-tech-savvy self and realize how much I enjoy life without the attendant gadgets that seem to cause those roller-coaster feelings of frenzy and constant need to hibernate in my forcefield just to get things done. The fun part was, I had the chance to connect with people in ways that those never-ending emails, YM messages, telephone calls, text messages, etc. cannot afford me.
Being under the grid was a very liberating experience. It was like reconnecting with the world. I realized that the basics are still the richest resource of life. Going under the grid is not a bad thing after all. In fact, I promised myself to make it a point to schedule more of what I now call as my under-the-grid-time.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
1. I am definitely a morning person. I like waking up early in the morning, regardless of the amount of sleep I had (or never had).
2. I like morning road runs. I like to feel the breeze on my face and see life unfold around me.
3. I miss Sanshou training so bad. I miss the ring where we train, the bags, the pads, and the feeling of torment and physical exhaustion that Sanshou gives.
4. I eat a lot. I love to eat especially desserts. Desserts are absolutely my best friends in life. To quote Ani's shirt: "I run for Chocolate."
5. I adore my family.
6. My recent trip to Tokyo was a dream come true. It was my second time to travel to Japan. The first one was in 2002, in Aioi City, for the Asian Championships. I remembered Anna Liese (my rower friend who is Japan-crazy as well) and I talking about our mutual love of Japan, their people, their culture, etc. and that we want to come back. True enough, August 2006 Anna Liese left for Japan for a one-year scholarship in grad school...and just recently, I did too for the JASA study tour. Dreams do come true!
7. I believe in volunteerism. I want to do things, little things, that would help others. My plans and ambitions in life lean mostly towards how I can make a difference in those things that make my heart bleed. I am a believer. I believe that every small thing that we can do, for the good of others and of this world, is important in the greater scheme of things.
Now that I am done...I will tag Macky.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Mai chose to explore a different path. She left to pursue her true calling. She left to serve, specifically the people of Payatas. In my book, that is courage. It takes a person of courage and conviction to leave a high-flying career to follow uncharted paths.
I cannot remain sad with this very inspiring decision of hers. Instead, I will take this as a challenge to myself to further explore possibilities on how I can optimize my skills and talents for the greater good.
Following my trip to Japan and my exposure to how the Japanese people work together for their Team Minus 6% goal further strengthened my desire to do something, to make a difference. Now, another Japanese showed me what true courage means. I do not expect many things to get better immediately. I know there are a lot of obstacles to change. But I know, as long as there are people like Mai, there will always be hope for a better world for everyone.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Why can't we just get together all the people in the world that we really like? And then stay together? I guess that wouldn't work though. Somone would leave. Someone always leaves. And then we'd have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. - Snoopy
Leaving time. There have been many goodbyes since last night. I have only been with the group for only a week but I feel like I have known most of them for a long time already. For sure, a bond has been created and I am really happy about that. Looking back on the first day, I feel that all of us have crossed bridges and connected with each other so fast.
More than the learnings I got, I am taking away with me memories of times spent with people from diverse cultures. I will always remember Kenichi san and Jo san who tirelessly took care of us. I really admire the way they made things so easy for us. Everything was just perfect.
I can still hear Yukiko, Tomoko, and Meg's sweet voices and patience everytime they interpret. They have made me understand so many things. Through them, I was able to learn more not only during lectures but more importantly, during those times that we interact and talk about almost everything.
I have collected a treasure trove of laughters and interesting experiences from this trip...
- Ani's endless energy and her love of running
- Clara with her never-ending bloopers and her sunny spirit
- Conversations with Lun about work, life
- Kham's ready smile
- Shelly's caring attitude towards everyone especially to Basri
- Carina's sweet smile
- Dana's beautiful voice (and our conversations during breaks in lectures)
- Lidia's thoughtfulness in giving me a tissue when she noticed that I was crying while watching "Always" on the bus while we were on our way back to Tokyo from Fukushima
- Mickie's "Yellow" in the Kin-Ball game
- Sylvia's birthday
- And many other things that everyone did to make this entire trip a truly remarkable one.
I do hate goodbyes. I always feel sad when the time for them comes. But I tend not to dwell on that. Instead, I just use the sadness to remember the happy moments I have had with truly great people. Having met them all, having to be with them all, are such wonderful blessings already. It is time for me to leave as well. And I am leaving with all the memories of friendship and laughters with me. Au revoir then, to everyone.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I first thought that we would somehow separate after we leave the hotel. I mean, I know how triathletes train and I was thinking there is no way I can keep up with her. I have not been running for what seems like ages. I took up jogging again once a week last month and only logged between 2.5 to 3K tops each run.
So there I was at 7:00 AM, walking out of the Grand Prince New Takanawa hotel with Ani and thinking how stupid I was not to have thought of wearing a jacket. The air was crisp and I was feeling cold by the time we turned the first corner. Then Ani told me that we could run together since she will just do "easy" training. She said we will run for an hour the we will go back.
Cool, I said. And then we ran. In less than 10 minutes I did not feel cold anymore. I actually began to enjoy looking at the scenery around me. Thirty minutes into the run I began to question the logic of what I was doing. I was still feeling good, but this was when I started thinking that a triathlete's easy pace is different from an ordinary person's definition of easy.
But I was really having fun running with Ani by the time I began feeling the discomforts that I resolved to try stick to the plan and finish it with her. I mean, I know that she was really running easy so I thought I should just do my best to keep up with her.
Fortunately, I was able to quickly slip into my forcefield and focus on the task at hand. I am really glad I did not listen to those tiny little voices in my head telling me that I cannot do it. My resolve is such that I felt a lot of feelings that brought me back to another time, another life (back when running is part of a daily routine and exercise is not just a whim). I am happy to realize that somehow, that part of me is still there and that I can draw a lot from it when and if I have to.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Making money is of course a necessity especially for a third world citizen such as myself. The relentless pursuit of every possible means to earn the big bucks is no longer an exception to the rule. It is the rule.
It is easy to say that money is not everything, when you have so much of it that you do not know how it is to go hungry or live on the streets. Maybe it is this fear of not having enough that drives us further into feverish efforts to get ahead, earn a promotion, and ultimately earn 10 digit amounts to feel comfortably secure.
It is not a bad goal to have especially since money does make living easier. But what if that vision slowly begins to define you? What if in pursuit of money, things such as dreams, beliefs, and the capacity to embrace a cause are lost? What then?
Muhammad Yunus' words serve as a reminder that in the end, we are all bigger than just making money. If we look deeper into ourselves, there is a heart filled with dreams and yearnings to do something good for others. And if we really, really, look beyond what we fail to recognize in ourselves, perhaps we will see that there is that strong calling to embrace a cause that we are willing to make sacrifices for.