Going light

Mababaw akong tao. At dahil mababaw ako, madalas kong pinapansin ang mga bagay na maaaring walang katuturan para sa ibang to. Gaya na lang ng mga 'to:

1. Yung official medical diagnosis na Obese I ako and that I need to be on strict diet - Disclaimer lang, hindi naman kaimposiblehang maging obese. Tao lang naman. At ako'y taong aminadong matakaw at nabubuhay sa chocolates so hindi katakatakang maging obese. Maybe what struck me most lang sa current situation na ito is that it's the first time in my whole life that I'm nine (9) kilos overweight. And what alarms me most is ~~ I should know better than to go down this path given my long line of Diabetic family history (in both sides).At ang isang malaking tanong sa utak ko, bakit di ko magawang mag-diet? I know how to manage my health and I have been fit for the longest time. So, what is this that's causing me to forget everything I know about nutrition and proper diet? Ang tanong: What happened to the athlete in me?

2. Yung effort to the nth level just to get the doctor to write "Physically fit for training" on that medical form for our upcoming Team Building activity at work - Seriously, this is quite a blow for me. I didn't really pay much attention about stuff like this before kasi I never failed those medical exams they require us to undergo prior to major international competitions. And I'm so used to extremely challenging/difficult training that it's something I take for granted that I'd be able to do if I have the mind to do it. But to actually experience not being fit is an eye opener, on more ways than one. It makes me want to stop for a while and see what's causing me to lose perspective and let my health suffer.

3. And last but not the least, yung recurring "a finger grip on a cliffside" feeling - I don't have the answers yet on this one. But I'm hoping time and space will give me a measure of comfort and clarity.

In the meantime...to the batcave!

andoy: ang astig at pinakabatang tourist guide ng callao caves

(Trip na Trip features andoy)

a few minutes after jake and i arrived in tuguegarao for a speaking engagement, sinabi sa amin nung organizers ng event na they're bringing us to callao caves. i didn't even have the slightest idea that it's one of the famous tourist destination pala. but nung sinabi nilang they're bringing there, i knew i was in for a treat. i can sense their pride sa caves na yun so i figured it must really be awesome to explore.

we traveled for almost 30 minutes to the town where the callao eco park is located. i was excited kahit na i wasn't exactly dressed for a trek. it's one of the rare times that i went out of town without bringing my rubber shoes. eh malay ko ba namang pupunta pala kami sa isang famous na cave? kaya nga ang nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko eh good luck sa mary janes ko dahil masira na ang dapat masira, sasama at sasama pa rin ako.

buti na lang nga at pumunta kami kasi the place is simply wonderful. serendipity na masasabi yung mga pangyayari sa trip namin na to. pero higit pa sa sobrang gandang caves na nakita ko, ang masasabi kong napaka-interesting at inspiring na nangyari eh nung nakilala ko si andoy.

andoy is a grade 6 student who is also said to be the "youngest cagayan tourist guide". it was a shame hindi ko na-video nung nagsimula na syang magsalita. this was just before we began to climb the stairs going to the caves. pano ba naman, he totally captured all our attention that it was already too late when i realized hindi ko pala siya kinukuhanan.

he delivered his spiel kasi in flawless english, with a matching tone na sounded to me as confident, naughty, and generally happy sa pagiging guide nya. at it seemed na pumunta siya talaga dun at yung isang 16-year old guide (na kagaya rin nyang magaling mag-english) para mag-guide sa amin.

the trip to the caves was doubly fun because of them. there was never a dull moment. naisip ko nga, i would have enjoyed staying there longer. and to explore all the caves with these two tourist guides that made me feel so light and happy.

sumabay si andoy at yung isa pang guide sa amin pabalik ng tuguegarao. while in the van, tuloy-tuloy lang yung usapan. feeling nga namin matagal na kaming magkakakilala. mga bibong bata kasi sila andoy. kwento pa nya, gusto nya maging lawyer paglaki nya. then he corrected himself, tourism daw muna pala kukunin nya then tsaka siya magla-law. and when he said that, i knew that someday he'd be one. he said it in such a matter-of-fact tone that i believed him.

sabi ni andoy may offer sa kanya na sa ateneo de manila sya pag-aaralin. he said that he told those who offered him that na pag-high school and college na lang daw nya. i hope that happens nga, because andoy really has a lot of potential that i'm sure a good education can further draw out from him.

nakakatuwa na hanggang ngayon naaalala ko pa rin yung mga antics ni andoy kahapon. i can't help but think that treasures really abound. and that most times, nakikita sila sa mga hindi inaasahang lugar at pagkakataon.

Letting people make it happen

Chris asked me earlier what's my takeaway from the When Great Minds Dream event. I told him it's seeing how great things can happen if we just allow people to step up and do their thing.

I never thought that an idea I shared can actually see the light of day, that some people actually supported and believed in it. It all started when we got word that the executives are possibly coming to PH for the GK. We were immediately asked to churn out ideas for events for each executive. I was thinking, it's good that we're planning ahead. I was pretty confident that we'll be ready for the visit given our lead time.

However, not everything turned out as planned. To make the long and crazy story short, we ended up with only ten days to prepare for the event. Ten days and we had no venue yet and no clear picture of how the event would turn out.

It didn't help that this was also the time that I was going through a really rough patch. Suffice to say, those who knew of my plans wouldn't have imagined I'd still do what I did with unbridled passion. But for those who know me, they would know that I'd do this without reservations - regardless of the circumstances.

For ten days I got to work with people from different teams. I think it's seeing them stepping up and doing their best that added to my unwavering belief that we could do it. I think my personal triumph in all of these is to have led the group by trust. I trusted everyone to do their best and let them make things happen their way.

It's not easy to let go. There's always that moment that you'd want to do things yourself. But one thing I realized from all the grief I've been having lately at work is that I don't want others to feel how I feel. I want them to know trust. I want them to embrace teamwork. I want them to explore and stretch themselves. I want to see them triumphant at the end.

If there is one thing I value most from having nurtured this event from thought to execution ~ it's knowing that I have led a group of great people who stepped up and delivered.

It always feels good to believe.

When Great Minds Dream

Freefalling

There is only one way to deal with misery - end it with an extremely painful killer stroke and be done with it. Suffering can only last as long as the willingness to suffer. Hope can only endure as fleetingly as faint wisps of change that fade like illusions of desert oases.

Change cannot truly happen without the will to make it happen. The mind delays the inevitable by focusing on what would be lost. It evades the thought of losing too much, too soon. And while the spirit screams in silent agony, the façade continues to move like a machine that is falling apart.

It is that step off the ledge that liberates the soul from fear of the unknown. Freefalling is that fine line between death and rebirth. The easiest path to change is to let go of everything and embrace the feeling of falling. To resist the possibility of something good or bad to manifest is to waste the possibility of learning and growing.

Freefalling is deep faith. It is faith that whatever is lost can once again be found or replaced with something better. It is faith in landing somewhere. It is the conviction that to survive the fall means another opportunity to live and start anew.

Yes, too much will be lost, too much to dwell upon. Change is coming. It is the change that requires that one resolute jump from the ledge. Nietzsche provides courage with what he said best, “What does not kill you makes you stronger.”

Giving full measure

It's always hard to negate what people believe you to be. It's all about appearances. Anything that doesn't fit in the box of goodness and facades becomes labeled.

I sometimes wish people would just talk openly about how they feel. I know that everyone's neither deaf nor blind. Talking behind people's backs, making them look like they have the monopoly of "bad" attitudes, and basically refusing to see whatever ounce of goodness they may have suck.

I can now make a list of 10,000 and one ways to effectively kill my spirit. A friend asked me why I still stay. Essentially I think it's because I still believe. I believe in what I do and I know I still have the passion to burn. It's no different with rowing actually and I think the following captures the reason behind why I continue to hang on when all I want to do is let go:

"There has to be a PASSION. Not a mild interest but a passion.

When you complete the race you DON'T WANT TO LOOK BACK or even FEEL that you had more to give YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE ON EMPTY.

Have no regrets.

COME OFF THE WATER HAVING GIVEN FULL MEASURE." - (from All for One)

Drowning in Stagnant Waters

"Serendipity goes against the grain of narrow focus thinking, where you concentrate your mind upon an objective or goal to the exclusion of all else." - John Adair

Swimming is not one of my strengths. But I try. I swim upstream and I make it happen, I get there. Swimming in stagnant waters is another matter though. It is slowly killing my will to move forward. It seems as if every effort, every small win, is never enough.

The darkness is real to me. The cold is seeping through my veins. My heart is beating a loud lament of confusion and dismay. I am drowning in stagnant waters. I am dying of something from which my heart is yearning to be free.

It is always never enough. Never, ever enough.

A Dreamer's Eyes

Yesterday, Mai surprised me once again when she emailed everyone that it was her last day at work. I was catapulted back to that time when I learned that she was leaving...and made me feel this.

The team hastily arranged for a farewell party for her. Everyone from the team was there, including a few others who have worked with Mai. It was when I saw these people, especially those from outside the team who wished to be part of the surprise that the sadness gradually began to fade and quickly replaced by that warm feeling of pride that stems from knowing a person who has touched so many people's lives.

I was moved by all the farewell messages and fond memories everyone shared, particularly Tom's. He said that the first time he met Mai was when she was 18 years old. He remembered Mai saying she wanted to study in the Philippines, learn the culture, and learn the language. He said he saw the dream in her eyes. And Mai lived that dream. She has done exactly what she said she would do and she did it extremely well.

Ten years after, Tom said she met Mai again. This time they meet as colleagues and they have been working and learning together until last year when Mai decided to leave. Once again, Tom said he sees the dream in Mai's eyes.

It is easy to dwell on the sadness of someone leaving especially following a stream of partings in the team. It is not easy to let go of people who you care about. These are people I have worked with, created memories with, grown with, and explored life with. But behind the sadness is also that pride to have known people who have the courage to follow their heart and embrace their dreams.

Mai will be sorely missed. But at the end of the day, I can sleep better at night knowing that there are people like her out there who quietly makes a difference in this world. I draw strength and courage from the fact that someday, I can be like her.