Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Going light

Mababaw akong tao. At dahil mababaw ako, madalas kong pinapansin ang mga bagay na maaaring walang katuturan para sa ibang to. Gaya na lang ng mga 'to:

1. Yung official medical diagnosis na Obese I ako and that I need to be on strict diet - Disclaimer lang, hindi naman kaimposiblehang maging obese. Tao lang naman. At ako'y taong aminadong matakaw at nabubuhay sa chocolates so hindi katakatakang maging obese. Maybe what struck me most lang sa current situation na ito is that it's the first time in my whole life that I'm nine (9) kilos overweight. And what alarms me most is ~~ I should know better than to go down this path given my long line of Diabetic family history (in both sides).At ang isang malaking tanong sa utak ko, bakit di ko magawang mag-diet? I know how to manage my health and I have been fit for the longest time. So, what is this that's causing me to forget everything I know about nutrition and proper diet? Ang tanong: What happened to the athlete in me?

2. Yung effort to the nth level just to get the doctor to write "Physically fit for training" on that medical form for our upcoming Team Building activity at work - Seriously, this is quite a blow for me. I didn't really pay much attention about stuff like this before kasi I never failed those medical exams they require us to undergo prior to major international competitions. And I'm so used to extremely challenging/difficult training that it's something I take for granted that I'd be able to do if I have the mind to do it. But to actually experience not being fit is an eye opener, on more ways than one. It makes me want to stop for a while and see what's causing me to lose perspective and let my health suffer.

3. And last but not the least, yung recurring "a finger grip on a cliffside" feeling - I don't have the answers yet on this one. But I'm hoping time and space will give me a measure of comfort and clarity.

In the the batcave!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Denial Queen

Here's the thing about denials...they just buy you time to stay in your comfort zone. They just delay the inevitable and make the issue or the problem doubly harder to resolve.

Today, I can really say that I'm the Queen of Denials. See, I've known for months now that I'm increasingly becoming overweight but I haven't been paying much attention to my diet. I still ate like I used to back when I was an athlete. I consumed food like an athlete but I burned calories like a sloth.

Looking back I think this whole denial business started when I suddenly stopped routinely checking my weight. I used to drop by the Wushu federation, even when I stopped training already, just to weigh myself on that digital weighing scale we have there. I did that at least once a week then I just stopped. Of course I had all the "reasons" for not doing it anymore and I'm *busy* tops the list of my impossibly long list of excuses.

I remember there was this one time I had a sudden thought that I'm probably at my heaviest weight so far. There was a brief moment then that I started to worry. But whatever insight that slipped through my denial gates was immediately silenced by the denial sentinels.

And I happily went on eating my way through almost every emotional rides I've had. I ate when I was upset. I binged when I was sad. I gobbled down food when I was apathetic.

Significant things happened these past few days though that made me re-evaluate my current lifestyle. The first one was my first attempt to train for the recently concluded Adidas fun run. I remembered feeling frustrated and scared at the same time. It was then that I realized how unfit I was that I can't even find joy in running. Even at my slowest pace, I was so in pain. I think I was out of breath two minutes out and my left knee (that was injured years back) started acting up.

The other wake-up call was that disastrous 5K run I did at the Adidas King of the Road. Not only was I slower than a turtle running through mud but I also was in so much pain in my left leg and knee during the first three kilometers. I seriously considered stopping and just finish the race by walking. But I guess I decided to punish myself for abusing my body so much that I pushed myself to continue running and struggle my way through finishing the course. I told myself I was not going to humiliate myself further by chickening out.

Now, I honestly thought that nothing could be worse than that realization that I'm so damn heavy my knees could barely carry my weight when I run. But there's actually a clincher. An exclamation point to a seriously pathetic statement the Adidas run made. And it's finding out today that I'm now medically, for all intents and purposes, an Obese I.

And it was only by serendipity (I think) that I found this out. See, I wouldn't have made my way to a medical clinic for a physical exam if it wasn't a requirement for an upcoming Team Building activity at work.

It was the first of the many findings written on the results. I'm diagnosed as Obese I and I need to be on strict diet from now on. Now if that's not embarassing for a former athlete, I don't know what is.

Before I end this sad tale, let me just say that another seredipitous thing happened to me today. Funny how the universe works. I do believe that it leads us ever so subtly to the right decisions...and it's up to us to notice and take heed.

A few minutes ago I used this carbon footprint calculator that measured my climate impact in four lifestyle categories: Home Energy, Driving & Flying, Food & Diet, and Recycling & Waste. I scored way below the average (meaning I have less carbon footprints than most people) except for one category. By this time it wasn't much of a surprise to me already. I scored high on Food & Diet because - *gasps!* - I eat too much meat.

Now, I truly believe that it's the universe talking not so subtly already.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Melting Snow

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. - Calvin, It's a Magical World p39

I noticed that I haven't writing much on my blog(s) lately. I find it ironic because I'm so busy doing so many things one would think I'd have plenty of "stories" to write about.

But I don't feel like I have "stories" to tell. Writing has become so unfamiliar and life as I knew it is gradually becoming a stranger to me.

Adrenalin rush for me now is of an entirely different source. The voice that speaks for my heart is silent. And it is the kind of silence that begs to be heard.

Waiting for Twilight

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Inspiring John Hancock ad

I've been keeping the magazine where I found this ad for years. Last week, I finally let go of my attachment to the magazine, specifically to that ad page. I managed to tear the page off so I can include it in my collage of dreams homework.

The homework was just one of the many activities that Jim Paredes asked us to do for his "Tapping the Creative Universe" training. It was a good exercise on so many things, some of which are on letting go and doing something just for the joy of it. Not thought, no conception.

The ad was fairly simple, but it was the message that went with it that really resonated to me. I'm posting it here as a keepsake of something that strongly inspires me.

I am not an Olympian
because I am strong.
I am not an Olympian
because I am fast.
I am an Olympian
because I know that others
are faster. And stronger.
I am an Olympian
because I am not afraid to try.
I am an Olympian
because I am proud of what
I can accomplish.
Even if
someone can accomplish more.
I am an Olympian
because I strive to do
better every day.

I am an Olympian
because I know, at heart,
we are all Olympians.