The Symmetry of Words

"...every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there. If you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought. Whatever that majority thought might be - that is the word of the city. And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there." ~ Eat, Pray, Love (p. 137)

When I think about the place I love so much, I think about how my word fits its word seamlessly. It's like that very first time I stepped foot in that place and how it changed me. My friend Anna Liese and I were so moved by that visit that we vowed to go back.

A few years passed and I have not put much thought about that promise I made to myself. But we did go back. Anna Liese in 2006 for a one-year scholarship while I went back a year after her for what turned out to be a most unforgettable experience that further cemented my love for that place.

In my heart, I truly believe that whatever my word and that place's word may be, they somehow merge in amazing harmony thus creating the music that is the beating of my heart.

Foi

Fear, doubt and despair are probably the easiest emotions to access once major decisions are made. Since that moment I've made the decision to go, I sometimes couldn't help but think that what I've opted to do is beyond logic. Maybe this is why I choose to keep a lot of things to myself. I may be someone who thrives on communicating my thoughts and lives my life like an open book but most times, the things that matter most sit quietly in the many layers very few realize exist.

It's a difficult time filled with sad, bittersweet moments. Truth be told, I'm sad to go. I'm generally happy with what I do. I feel most alive with thoughts of possibilities, with that quiet conviction that there's so much more waiting to be explored. I'm happy to believe. But sadly, time has taken its toll.

The signs have been there early on but I refused to see them thinking I'm wrong. And that thought, being wrong, may have been the beginning of my steady descent to who I've become now. Perhaps it was easier to blame myself for everything. Not that anyone would believe that I do that. Appearances and perspectives are harsh. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's a gift or a curse to be strong.

There are moments that I think I'm defying reason and prudence for choosing this path. No one leaps empty-handed from a comfortable ship sailing steadily in the middle of the ocean. More importantly, no one jumps out especially when there's no island in sight. But that's exactly what I'm doing.

Today is like one of those many days since the decision was formed. I think what concerns me most is not my current lack of options but rather the wobbly state of my financial safety net. This leap is hurting me even now, too much.

As I take stock and reach deep within me, I'm surprised that despite the swirling grief, fear and uncertainty, my heart doesn't waver. Things are bad and they may even get worse but I'm certain that these too shall pass.

I thank God even for this difficult time. I think it's a blessing to get to draw some strength from within. It's nice to remember that I have that in me. This negates what I've come to believe in the past months. I'm now in this journey to rediscover that I have value, which I bring with me in every path I choose to take.

(Image from here.)

"We only accept payments in peso" and other firsts: Thailand adventure

"Peso lang po tinatanggap namin", the guy at the Travel tax booth told me. Uh-oh, I'm screwed. Paying the travel tax at the airport was a first for me because I got used to traveling with all these details already taken cared of. No amount of pakiusap with manong can force him to accept payment in US$. He just directed me to the arrivals area and have my money changed there. So I did and finished the whole check-in business much later than I expected.

Another first for me: We had to change gate twice prior to boarding. And I mean gates separately located in two different wings. I didn't find out why we were bounced back and forth like that. Nobody from the ground staff really gave a clear explanation. Maybe I just didn't care anymore. In my mind, this trip is really showing signs of becoming an adventure and I decided to just wing it and have fun.

The flight arrived at past 1:00am local time. My luggage was the last one out so there was a moment of mild panic when I thought it somehow got its way into another plane or something. Imagine standing alone looking at an empty carousel and all the people have happily left with their baggage already...tsk.

Next first: I had no accreditation (AD) card, no information about transportation and booking arrangements, nothing. Good thing I asked James (my co-umpire) before I left if he knows the details about the arrangements for us. It was comforting to know that we were on the same boat, that the only thing we can count on was the fact that there would be an information center at the Bangkok airport.

Yet another first: Still no AD card at the SEA Games information/accreditation center at the airport. Worse, they can't seem to find my application for accreditation. Argh! The protocol and accreditation people wanted me to go to Korat because maybe my accreditation is there, they said. Say what?!? Korat is like hours away from where I should be. Not that I don't want to go to Korat, Wushu will be played in Korat so I want to go there...but after I finish what I came here for, which means I need to be in Pattaya, not Korat. Buti na lang there were two Pinays there from the PSC who somewhat helped me (assured me actually that there's also a Secretariat in Pattaya and they probably have my AD card).

Again, first: A sleepy driver was roused from his sleep in the van reserved for delegates. He was then told to bring me to Pattaya. I was the only passenger. There were not much cars/vehicles on the highway so he was really stepping on the gas pedal while I sat at the back praying that he doesn't fall asleep. But manong was such a good driver, I got in one piece at Pattaya after 1 hour, 50 minutes of travel. I checked-in at the hotel at 4:30am.

See, more firsts: No AD, no contacts with the Philippine delegation, nothing. I made sure I was up by 8:30 to hunt Nicholas Ee (who is the Asian Rowing Federation Technical Delegate) or the rest of the FISA people. I haven't found them still, but I bumped into Steve Banta and the Philippine rowing team, which was even better. Finally, kababayans! But I can't really spend much time with them since I'm supposed to be neutral here so I guess I won't be hanging out much with them. I hope they do well in the competitions.

Finally, the AD card: Processed in front of me, thanks to the copies of the documents I kept in my email account. Buti na lang kasi, in the SEA games, you don't exist as a player, coach, official, volunteer, etc. unless you have an AD card. Maybe I can sleep now. It's been a long night.

A brief sojourn under the grid

Office rat stats:
Average number of hours per day spent using the computer: 14 hours
Mobile phone usage: 24 hours on standby; 1 hour actual usage (if I'm lucky)
Time spent @ home: 6 hours, or just about enough time needed to sleep
Deliverables: endless


I recently had a brief sojourn under the grid. It was totally unplanned, just one of those things that happen when there is no spare time to properly organize a trip. For someone who is close to obsessive with lists and a great believer of planning, packing barely five hours before leaving for the airport is a significant deviation from the norm.

I was too caught up with work that I managed to cram my preparations for the trip in just a few hours. Consequently, I found myself with no roaming access. It was by choice though, I think, because up to the last minute (between those moments that I can actually think of something else other than work) I was having an internal debate on the "need" to pay the X amount required to have it activated.

As soon as I finished packing, the first thought that popped in my mind was... "Tsk, this would be the first time I am going on a trip with my mobile phone practically useless". Second thought..."I better make sure I access my office email to check the things that I need to work on".

As it turned out, the trip unfolded in ways both unexpected and surprisingly refreshing. It turned out to be an opportunity to revisit life under the grid. I had a week to touch base with my true non-tech-savvy self and realize how much I enjoy life without the attendant gadgets that seem to cause those roller-coaster feelings of frenzy and constant need to hibernate in my forcefield just to get things done. The fun part was, I had the chance to connect with people in ways that those never-ending emails, YM messages, telephone calls, text messages, etc. cannot afford me.

Being under the grid was a very liberating experience. It was like reconnecting with the world. I realized that the basics are still the richest resource of life. Going under the grid is not a bad thing after all. In fact, I promised myself to make it a point to schedule more of what I now call as my under-the-grid-time.

The sadness of goodbyes

Why can't we just get together all the people in the world that we really like? And then stay together? I guess that wouldn't work though. Somone would leave. Someone always leaves. And then we'd have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. - Snoopy

Leaving time. There have been many goodbyes since last night. I have only been with the group for only a week but I feel like I have known most of them for a long time already. For sure, a bond has been created and I am really happy about that. Looking back on the first day, I feel that all of us have crossed bridges and connected with each other so fast.

More than the learnings I got, I am taking away with me memories of times spent with people from diverse cultures. I will always remember Kenichi san and Jo san who tirelessly took care of us. I really admire the way they made things so easy for us. Everything was just perfect.

I can still hear Yukiko, Tomoko, and Meg's sweet voices and patience everytime they interpret. They have made me understand so many things. Through them, I was able to learn more not only during lectures but more importantly, during those times that we interact and talk about almost everything.

I have collected a treasure trove of laughters and interesting experiences from this trip...

• Ani's endless energy and her love of running
• Clara with her never-ending bloopers and her sunny spirit
• Conversations with Lun about work, life
• Kham's ready smile
• Shelly's caring attitude towards everyone especially to Basri
• Carina's sweet smile
• Dana's beautiful voice (and our conversations during breaks in lectures)
• Lidia's thoughtfulness in giving me a tissue when she noticed that I was crying while watching "Always" on the bus while we were on our way back to Tokyo from Fukushima
• Mickie's "Yellow" in the Kin-Ball game
• Sylvia's birthday
• And many other things that everyone did to make this entire trip a truly remarkable one.

I do hate goodbyes. I always feel sad when the time for them comes. But I tend not to dwell on that. Instead, I just use the sadness to remember the happy moments I have had with truly great people. Having met them all, having to be with them all, are such wonderful blessings already. It is time for me to leave as well. And I am leaving with all the memories of friendship and laughters with me. Au revoir then, to everyone.

Running "easy" on the pathways of Shinagawa

I spent my first morning in Tokyo running on the streets and pathways of Shinagawa. The crazy part was, not only did I run for one hour, which I usually do only when I register for a 10K fun run, but I ran with Ani who is a national team triathlete/coach.

I first thought that we would somehow separate after we leave the hotel. I mean, I know how triathletes train and I was thinking there is no way I can keep up with her. I have not been running for what seems like ages. I took up jogging again once a week last month and only logged between 2.5 to 3K tops each run.

So there I was at 7:00 AM, walking out of the Grand Prince New Takanawa hotel with Ani and thinking how stupid I was not to have thought of wearing a jacket. The air was crisp and I was feeling cold by the time we turned the first corner. Then Ani told me that we could run together since she will just do "easy" training. She said we will run for an hour the we will go back.

Cool, I said. And then we ran. In less than 10 minutes I did not feel cold anymore. I actually began to enjoy looking at the scenery around me. Thirty minutes into the run I began to question the logic of what I was doing. I was still feeling good, but this was when I started thinking that a triathlete's easy pace is different from an ordinary person's definition of easy.

But I was really having fun running with Ani by the time I began feeling the discomforts that I resolved to try stick to the plan and finish it with her. I mean, I know that she was really running easy so I thought I should just do my best to keep up with her.

Fortunately, I was able to quickly slip into my forcefield and focus on the task at hand. I am really glad I did not listen to those tiny little voices in my head telling me that I cannot do it. My resolve is such that I felt a lot of feelings that brought me back to another time, another life (back when running is part of a daily routine and exercise is not just a whim). I am happy to realize that somehow, that part of me is still there and that I can draw a lot from it when and if I have to.