Fear, doubt and despair are probably the easiest emotions to access once major decisions are made. Since that moment I've made the decision to go, I sometimes couldn't help but think that what I've opted to do is beyond logic. Maybe this is why I choose to keep a lot of things to myself. I may be someone who thrives on communicating my thoughts and lives my life like an open book but most times, the things that matter most sit quietly in the many layers very few realize exist.
It's a difficult time filled with sad, bittersweet moments. Truth be told, I'm sad to go. I'm generally happy with what I do. I feel most alive with thoughts of possibilities, with that quiet conviction that there's so much more waiting to be explored. I'm happy to believe. But sadly, time has taken its toll.
The signs have been there early on but I refused to see them thinking I'm wrong. And that thought, being wrong, may have been the beginning of my steady descent to who I've become now. Perhaps it was easier to blame myself for everything. Not that anyone would believe that I do that. Appearances and perspectives are harsh. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's a gift or a curse to be strong.
There are moments that I think I'm defying reason and prudence for choosing this path. No one leaps empty-handed from a comfortable ship sailing steadily in the middle of the ocean. More importantly, no one jumps out especially when there's no island in sight. But that's exactly what I'm doing.
Today is like one of those many days since the decision was formed. I think what concerns me most is not my current lack of options but rather the wobbly state of my financial safety net. This leap is hurting me even now, too much.
As I take stock and reach deep within me, I'm surprised that despite the swirling grief, fear and uncertainty, my heart doesn't waver. Things are bad and they may even get worse but I'm certain that these too shall pass.
I thank God even for this difficult time. I think it's a blessing to get to draw some strength from within. It's nice to remember that I have that in me. This negates what I've come to believe in the past months. I'm now in this journey to rediscover that I have value, which I bring with me in every path I choose to take.
(Image from here.)