Change is excruciating especially when it involves major decisions. I'll be jobless by choice one month from now. It was definitely a tough decision and the past weeks have really been difficult. I don't have a job prospect yet since, admittedly, I haven't been making much of an effort in that department. I think it's partly because I've considered going home for good. After nineteen years, I'm finally going home.
Ironically, a lot of really good things happened since the decision was made. I've been given a slot in that six-month international course and was selected to be part of this training at work, which incidentally is programmed for six months as well.
Now the end for these two opportunities is something that I don't think much about. I'm taking everything one day at a time. I don't think about how I'd regret not being able finish the international course, which is one of those rare opportunities that come only a few times in a lifetime. Neither do I dwell on that pang of sadness for not being able to complete the modules in that training at work. Somehow, by not thinking about those, I just enjoy every minute that I'm in class.
I feel that I'm recovering slowly. I'm now seeing a glimmer of the old me. A more balanced individual, a person who celebrates life and doesn't throw away opportunities to grow in body, mind and soul (or will).
I'd say I have a lot on my plate right now. My finances are low at best and I'm looking at major expenses since I'll be relocating (nineteen years worth of stuff wouldn't be easy to pack in a few boxes). Then there's that issue with overhead. I'd soon be out of job but I'll still have bills to pay. Clearly, I'm not on solid ground here. It's been said that "beginnings are always messy" and right now, I couldn't agree more.
I've mulled about the logic of my decision and I honestly couldn't explain it in ways logical people would understand. In difficult moments, I've even challenged myself to see if there's even a tinge of doubt that would save me from this inexplicable (that word sounds nicer than crazy) move. But truth be told, no matter how hard I argue with myself, I still feel that I'm doing the right thing. I believe that I may not be able to change things but I can definitely change my circumstances.
It's in times like this, in the midst of the storm, that I find that part of me again that's capable of living in the here and now. And I find that by appreciating everything that comes to me day by day, I'm able to perform much better especially once stripped of that incessant effort to conform. I'm beginning to believe in myself again. I'll never forget again that my mind alone doesn't drive me. I need to find that balance to give my body and soul some room to grow. Stripped of that opportunity, I wither and die everyday. And that's simply unacceptable.